The Death of Boredom vs. Bored to Death

I worry about my grandchildren, specifically, and our youngest generation of students, generally, and their overall inability to accept boredom into their lives.  Without boredom, how will they think? 

When I was a child, my mother and father expected me to rake, shovel, dust, and do a whole host of very boring things.  Yet, while I did these chores, my mind was active.  As a duster, I remember ‘staging’ commercials in my mind.  I could dramatically wave my hands and ad lib about my streak-free shine and Pledge’s ability to bring out the natural beauty of the wood.  As I got older, I used the boring times, such as walking home from field hockey practice or washing dishes at Friendlies, to problem-solve the ‘major’ issues in my young life.  I ran scenarios; I pre-scripted upcoming events (as in, I’ll say this, and then he’ll say that, and then I’ll say…); I made plans, both for the weekend … and for the future.  Even now, when I’m driving home to Massachusetts or gardening in the backyard, my mind is active.  Boredom is important to my mental processes.  Boredom is where I reminisce about the past and sift through new opportunities, ideas, and solutions.  Boredom leads to a clear mind.  A clear mind leads to creativity.

The problem I see in my beloved and beautiful grandchildren is their desire to fill every moment with activity and their complete uneasiness with ‘boredom.’  If we are waiting for a table in a restaurant, riding the escalator in the mall, or even standing in the kitchen, waiting for the toast to pop up, they are texting or playing a quick game of ‘Draw Something.’   In the back seat of the car, they have headsets on, cutting them off from both conversation and observation. 

They call it multi-tasking, but they watch TV and are on their computers or cell phones at the same time making even TV-watching less cerebral (if that’s possible!), because they aren’t processing either the facial expressions or the dialogue.  If you ask them a thought question about the show, they respond, ‘I don’t know. Why?’ as if thinking about the story-line was absurd. 

I love them dearly, but I worry that I never, ever hear them complain ‘I’m bored;’ and as a result, I never, ever get to say, ‘Well, think of something to do.’

For more information about kids, creativity, and boredom, check out:

Aha! Parenting's "Why Boredom is Good for Your Child"

Essential Kids'  "The Battle to Let Them Be Bored"

 

 

 

 

The 'Smart' vs. 'Capable' Perspective

Almost every day, for one reason or another, I reach back to my childhood and find myself grateful for my parents' innate ability to foster what I now think of as 'perspective,' or the healthy ability to be both confident in my success and humbled by the lack of it.

Sometimes, my recollection is something funny.  I might trip on a crack in the sidewalk in front of MLT and hear my father's voice in my ear, "There goes 'Grace' again."  He never said, "Don't be so clumsy," which would have been denigrating; but he didn't blame the sidewalk, either.  He laughed a lot when we were kids, but never at us... unless, we were being ridiculous! 

Sometimes, the recollection is much more practical; and thus, when I'm fielding a complaint or a working through a difficult report I end up with his sayings running through my head: messages like "Don't judge, until you've walked a mile in that person's shoes," or "If you quit, who's going to finish for you?"

When I was child, my father might ask me to hold a flashlight for him under the kitchen sink, but I knew what that request really meant... it meant lots of questions about what I saw him doing: "What if I turn this...?"  "What do you think is holding this in place?" "Why might we try to ...?"

All of this was about 'growth' and 'becoming more capable,' which intrigued me as I read "Fostering a 'Growth' Mindset in Students," in Principal Leadership, by Douglas Fisher and Nancy Frey.  In this article, the authors discuss the importance of helping students to develop what they call 'personal narratives' or belief statements about who they are.  The authors state that, "one crucial aspect is helping students move from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset."  They go on to describe students with a fixed mindset as those kids who believe their personal 'smartness' was fixed at birth and, therefore, they must keep proving they are smart to others.   On the other hand, students who have a growth mindset believe their basic qualities can be continuously cultivated through effort and persistence.

I think it's obvious which lifestyle approach will serve our kids, their parents, and our society at large the best.  Especially as we move into the 21st Century economy, we need young people who believe "I can learn anything if I put in the effort."  It can't be about getting the answer the quickest, ("I'm smart!"); because, when when the answer doesn't come easily, but takes time, concentration, and effort, which it will in our contemporary world, our kids will need persistence. 

"Praise for being 'smart' leads kids to believe that learning should be easy – and if it feels difficult, then they’re not smart.  On the other hand, praise for focusing and sticking with a task fosters a much more positive mindset – you can 'get smart' through effective effort.

I remember reading a study done at Brown University, and I think it was Varton Gregorian who quoted it.  In the study, elementary school students were given a multiple-choice math problem that went something like this: "The Army wants to move 729 soldiers.  If each bus holds 65 soldiers, how many buses will the Army need?"  The 'smarter' the kids, the more likely they were to choose '11.22' as their answer.  In other words, 11.22, which carried the answer out to the hundredth decimal place, seemed more correct to them than 12.  Yet, there is no such thing as .22 of a bus. 

So, how do we foster 'capable growth' rather than reverence for 'being smart.' Fisher and Frey tell us that when parents and teachers compliment children in a way in which children see their own roles in the accomplishment, they will begin to see that their effort allowed them to meet their goals."  Just as my father did, under the kitchen sink, with a wrench in his hand: "Huh, you figured that out, did you?  Feels good doesn't it?"

 

Growing up, my successes were my own, not my parents.  In their eyes, I wasn't born either smart or lucky.  My actions led to the results, whether good or bad.   They were very interested in my effort, always wanting to know how I accomplished something, what I might do differently next time, and how my success felt.

 

Aren't Happy, Successful Children Everyone's Dream?

In a thoughtful New York Times article, "Raising Successful Children," author and practicing psychologist Madeline Levine offers some poignant advice about striking the right balance between good practice and malpractice in parenting.  Levine makes a distinction between childhood 'happiness' and 'well-being,' and says that while most of us (I use 'us' because I'm a parent, too) would say we want our kids to be happy in life, what we really mean is we want them to be able cope with life's challenges with confidence.  "Life is difficult," Levine explains, "and the idea of keeping our children happy all the time -- that’s about over- parenting."  Thus, 'parenting malpractice' is any parenting action in which parents, in their efforts to protect their children from unpleasantness, cannot find the 'happy' median between being overly protective ... and overly permissive. 

 

The word 'malpractice' struck me as harsh.  There is something unethical or immoral sounding about the word; and, as I write this, I had to resist the urge to edit it out.  What won me over was the 'guilt' factor inherent in parenting.  Let's face it, when we make mistakes (which sometimes can be 'doozies' ), we do feel a little bit criminal, so maybe 'malpractice' is not really that far off the mark. 

 

One of the concepts that most resonated with me was this: “The happiest, most successful children have parents who do not do for them what they are capable of doing, or almost capable of doing, themselves.”  No doubt this would be true for the teachers in our schools, as well.  Even sadder, Levine points out, is when we do things for our kids that satisfy our own needs rather than the needs of our children themselves.  I'm reminded of the many years of dance classes I took my daughter to only to be told when she was 11 that, while she 'liked dancing OK, she hated performing.'  How can that be? I thought. She is an excellent dancer, and I love to watch her perform. 

Levine is firm that dealing with disappointment is essential to good health.  "The central task of growing up,” she says, “is to develop a sense of self that is autonomous, confident, and generally in accord with reality.”  Over-parenting, which includes unnecessary monitoring and control, actually diminishes our children's confidence and distorts the reality of life.

But, let's be honest, it's painful to watch when our children make mistakes.  I didn't want my own children to 'suffer' when they were left out of a birthday party or didn't start in a soccer game.  If they misunderstood the directions to an assignment and got a poor grade, I wanted a 'do-over' -- for them, of course!   But, Levine is right, it is in this "gray area of 'just beyond the comfortable' where resilience is born.”  She points out that kids need small daily risks and disappointments for growth to take place.  We knew this when they were little and first started to walk.  We didn't pick them up every time they fell and protect them from any future disappointments or bumps.  We actually were amazed by them and took pleasure in the sheer determination it took for them to try, try, and try again. 

Levine claims if you can't stand to see your child cry, you got into the wrong business.   Kids need the opportunity for ‘successful failures' -- failures they can live with and grow from. "To shield them," Levine writes, "to deprive them of those challenges is to deprive them of the tools they will need to handle the inevitable, difficult, challenging and sometimes devastating demands of life.”  Better to remember the lessons of infancy, to allow them to resolve it themselves, and to amaze us with their resiliency as they once did.

There is a difference, Levine points out, between top-down parenting which focused on clear expectations...  and parental behavior which is controlling.  It's OK to insist that a child turn off the television and finish the math homework.  It's not OK to tell a child what to feel and how to resolve that feeling.  Pushing, bribing, probing, implanting, which always come the outside, (i.e. from the parent) are malpractice because "the child never has the opportunity to craft an inside.”

“A loving parent is warm, willing to set limits and unwilling to breach a child’s psychological boundaries by invoking shame or guilt,” Levine concludes. It’s also vital that parents set a good example in their own lives. “One of the most important things we do for our children is to present them with a version of adult life that is appealing and worth striving for.”

 

“RaisingSuccessful Children” by Madeline Levine in TheNew York Times, and "Teach Your Children Well': An Interview With Psychologist and Author Madeline Levine" in The Huffington Post.